Contractual Obligations
by DiscordantHarmony426
Summary: Lincoln is forced to sign a contract with a lawyer, but as we all know, lawyers can't be trusted.
1. The Confusing Contract

"Hmm…this place is deader than we are. I need something to liven up this place. How about entertainment! Oh, gofer I have another c- …oh."

He glances over at the skeleton of the previous person that was unlucky enough to wander into his domain. Maybe he shouldn't have popped his head off like a cork to finely aged wine once he was done with him. Surely, he could use that hat kid…no wait, she already left and is light years away from this planet. And everyone has heard the rumors of shadow creatures of the ominous forest killing anyone who wanders in. Little cycloptic midgets luring people into their traps, strange masked spirits that can access another dimension, a decrepit shadow demon that ices anyone who dares enter her home and of course, himself. The contract killer himself, the Snatcher!

"Hey boss, do you have any mail for us today?"

"No, I already filched every mailbox in the surrounding area, they're all empty."

The minion leaves his boss to ruminate on this contractor deficit problem.

"No one blindly wanders into here anymore! I need some poor sod to do my bidding! These minions are already busy monitoring the forest and spying on that…creature in the manor. What was it that one of the previous contractors said?"

Flashback to the semi recent time of 2017.

* * *

"I'm Jonas Kaerlev, the creator of _A Hat in Time_."

"I don't care who you are, you are now my puppet since you trespassed into my domain."

The Snatcher materializes a contract from thin air.

"Sign it or die."

Jonas looks at the contract and edits it.

"Here's my counteroffer, Snatcher."

"How do you know who I am?"

"Easy, I made you."

"No, you didn't."

"This area, it's Subcon Forest, the 3rd (formerly 2nd) level of my game. There are still fire spirts around, aren't there? I made them, too. I've made this entire world!"

"Don't get too arrogant with powers beyond your control, mortal. After all, you have no power here."

Snatcher looks at the edited contract.

"I feature you in my game and you don't kill me."

…

"Nope."

Snatcher gets ready to kill him, but Jonas reveals one last thing about Snatcher.

"This place is called Subcon Forest for a reason, you know. Anyone who sees this place…well, you can access their brains remotely, so long as they've seen your domain."

"Anyone who steps here will be punished accordingly."

"Who says that they need to be here, they just need to see here."

"Enough of this."

He kills Jonas by striking him with a column of flame as the flashback burns away.

"Remote memory access, huh? Well, let's see who our next contractor will be."

Considering he has over approximately 2 million people to choose from, it's going to keep Snatcher very busy doing nothing!

* * *

Meanwhile, in a different world…

"Wait up, kid. Remember how the old contractor had his head pop off? That wasn't a coincidence. It popped off the moment he stopped being useful to me. And guess who else just became obsolete? That's right, you! Now that that possessed outhouse isn't bothering me anymore, and all those contracts of yours are tidied away…I don't need you around. Besides, you didn't think I was going to let you keep all these time pieces, did you? They fell into my forest, kid! They belong to me. Time you saw what I'm really capable of, kid. Say goodbye to that little head of yours!"

The battle goes how we all expect it to go. This is a video game after all, and with minimal difficulty, the player manages to beat it and reclaim Act 3-6's Time Piece. Unbeknownst to them, they have a fan watching.

"Lincoln, can you stop playing that game and help me?"

Several alarm bells ring in the Snatcher's head from just this one sentence. Lincoln plus game plus help plus people equals contract. I think we have a winner here! But just to be sure, he'll see through this "Lincoln's" eyes a bit more for reconnaissance purposes.

Lincoln gets into Vanzilla with the rest of his sisters for yet another boring school day. At least this is the last day before spring break! Snatcher looks around the barely running piece of junk and sees a lot of people inside.

"Geeze, how many sisters does this kid have?! We have our winner! I think my minions will be entertained with a short 10-episode series! Now to enact my plan…"

After an uneventful and soul-stealing school day (how dare they steal Snatcher's job) the family heads to sleep. In Lincoln's dream, he appears to be at the entrance to Subcon Forest. Just like in the game, a minion taunts him to come closer but Lincoln know it's a trap. Snatcher expected this, so he just captures Lincoln immediately.

* * *

"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"

"You blew it! You totally screwed yourself! Nobody enters my home and leaves in one piece! Tell you what though! Hang on a minute! You get to live! That's right! Aren't you lucky?! Normally, I'd just eat your soul and toss your body, but I happen to need a braindead servant! My minions need entertainment, and that's where you come in! I have 10 episodes for you to fill…but I suppose I'll give you a tutorial to show you how these sorts of things work, so come on, sign it!"

Snatcher materializes one contract. It is written in a phantasmagorical font, where you can't tell whether or not the font is upper or lowercase. This one has Lily's picture on it.

"THE CONFUSING CONTRACT"

…

Snatcher will hold your soul as collateral until all contracts are completed.

"There's nothing here; And I'm not giving you my soul."

"Come on, there's no need to make this difficult, sign the contract."

"No."

"Maybe I didn't make myself clear, you don't get a say in the matter. Now sign it or I make your lifeless corpse sign it!"

"No."

"Last chance! Sign it!"

Lincoln signs it with some sort of neurological essence. Snatcher takes his collateral.

"So, since there's nothing on here, that means the contract is already complete, right?"

CONTRACT COMPLETE!

"Nope! You didn't think it would be that easy, would you, kid?! These are a new type of contract that I created, the stipulator contract! See, you aren't working for me, I'm just the guy who takes your soul when you fail. Until the contract's completed, she's your new boss!"

"Wait, so I'm working for Lily?"

"Whatever her name is, yes! Oh, and if you tell anyone about our deals, you die instantly and I keep your soul forever! It's a win for everyone except you, isn't it great! Our business here is concluded…for now."

Lincoln wakes up the next day. Some weird noodly thing will kill him if he doesn't finish the contract that doesn't have anything on it? Well, whatever? He might as well get it over with. He goes over to Lily's crib and plays with her. The contract starts filling in his obligations. Although they all say "poo poo". He doesn't know what he did or how he did it, but after about 30 minutes of frustration, he managed to complete it. Heck, even Snatcher doesn't know what Lily's obligations are!

CONTRACT COMPLETE!

* * *

Ignoring the chaos of the Loud House and skipping to the next night. Lincoln goes to sleep and awakes in Snatcher's arena, surrounded by the 9 other contracts.

"Congratulations, for a pilot episode, seeing your comedy of errors was amusing for us. Now, pick another one. This is a freebie, the other contracts you'll have to find on your own."

Lincoln looks over all of the contracts.

"Well, did you find one?"

I choose…this one.

"Doing them in order, huh? Ok kid. I'm sure this will be an explosive episode!"


	2. The Theoretical Contract

_**"I hereby totally agree to do this Snatcher dude's dirty work. And also absolve him of all injuries I will most likely sustain from this work. Also, I'll give up my soul. no takey backsies."-**_Snatcher contractor motto

* * *

The next day, Lincoln wakes up and sees the second of the 10 contracts that he signed. This contract has him working for Lisa. The Snatcher has seen a few of her experiments and will bet that Lincoln will not survive this one. He goes over to Lisa's room, where he sees her uttering something about an experiment.

"Hey, Lis? Do you need a lab partner?"

"Hmm…when have you ever shown an interest in my studies, elder brother?"

Lincoln nervously sweats, Snatcher will probably kill him if he says anything…so he doesn't.

"I can see you perspiring, but I actually need someone to fetch some materials for my next experiment."

Lisa hands him a list of stuff as the contract updates itself.

THE THEORETICAL CONTRACT

Acquire all of the items on Lisa's list

"If I could make a recommendation, try the supermarket, most of the items would be there. Here's some grant money to get the items."

Lincoln got 500 dollars!

With that, Lincoln heads off to the supermarket, but there may be a problem…that black manager banned them from the supermarket, but dad did manage to take Luan and Lola there…so.

* * *

"Alright, let's see what Lisa wanted me to get."

Triticum aestivum loaf  
Arachis hypogaea spread (preferably creamy)  
Vitis vinifera jam  
C12H22O11  
Solanum lycopersicum  
Galus galus ova (a dozen)  
NaHCO3  
NaCl  
24 chain hydrocarbon  
Dihydrogen monoxide (distilled, in gaseous form)  
H2SO4  
A car battery (I lost a bet with Lana, ok?!)  
PE-84  
A 5000 mL graduated cylinder

"Ok, I think I can get most of this stuff…

He managed to get 9 of 14 items at the supermarket. He went to a school supply store, lucked out, and found the graduated cylinder. Next, he went to an automotive shop and got the car battery. Lastly, he returned to the Loud House and used his Death Road to Canada skills to siphon the gasoline from Lola's car. Surely Lisa can derive an isomer from it. That just leaves the PE-84 left. But, try as he might, there's no way to get that item.

* * *

A knocking sound is heard.

"Enter."

"Hey, Lisa. I got most of the stuff you wanted."

"Excellent, I just got the polonium needed for one of my experiments."

"Wait, why do you need…actually, I don't want to know."

"How did you manage to get the 24-chain hydrocarbon?"

"From Lola."

"I see. Well, I can extract an isomer from this sample. Now, for your next task…make me a PB&J sandwich, I'm kind of hungry. I'll set up the experiment."

THE THEORETICAL CONTRACT

Acquire all of the items on Lisa's list  
Make Lisa a PB&J

Lincoln heads into the kitchen and makes the sandwich, cutting them into isosceles right triangles for optimum mouth fit. He returns with the sandwich to see Lisa has already finished setting everything up.

The contract sees where this is going.

THE THEORETICAL CONTRACT

Acquire all of the items on Lisa's list  
Make Lisa a PB&J  
Survive

Lincoln simply leaves the room.

CONTRACT COMPLETE!

* * *

The next night, Lincoln arrives in a strange place. It's a dark city with subway trains everywhere. There should be nothing stopping him from just not taking any more contracts.

"Hold up, kid. Me and my minions aren't very patient. So, you'd better complete those contracts before I decide to pop off that head of yours, fool."

Lincoln decides to head to the Frightful Forest to search for more contracts. He collects some neural ions to charge up a boarding pass to the area and gives it to a familiar looking neuron. The subway has Alex Beckham's version of Your Contract Has Expired for listening pleasure, but it's the only song. That Snatcher dude is kind of an egotist, isn't he?

Eventually, he arrives at the Frightful Forest. This area is what Lincoln thinks the Subcon Forest is like. He makes his way to the village and sees a lone contract where the Snatcher's home is. Lincoln looks at it and sees that this is Luna's contract.

THE LOUDEST CONTRACT

He signs this one and prepares for the next day.


	3. The Loudest Contract

And so, Lincoln heads over to Luna's room to complete the third contract out of ten. Maybe once he's finished with all of them, he can get back playing video games and reading comics in his underwear. At least the contracts have been relatively easy thus far.

"Sup, little bro."

"Hey, Luna. Got any plans today?"

"Nah, just relaxing and playing music today."

"Well, is there anything I can do for you?"

Luna thinks about this for a few minutes.

"Actually, yes. Can you restring my guitar?"

"I thought I already did 2 years ago?"

"You really expect me to keep an instrument intact for that long?"

Well, he can't argue with that logic. Luna did trash one of her guitars in a single day; That hand me down is still under his bed! Luna hands him a guitar with several snapped wires poking out from it.

* * *

THE LOUDEST CONTRACT

Restring Luna's guitar

Lincoln gets to work, removing the sharp metal wires and miraculously avoiding getting impaled by them. Thankfully, Luna has a bunch of spare wire just for these special occasions! Lincoln grabs a set and reties the wires back onto the guitar. He strums a note, tunes the guitar and the hands it back to Luna.

"Wow, that was fast! And it plays just as well when I first got it! Now, can you get me an instrument? Any instrument that isn't a guitar will do."

THE LOUDEST CONTRACT

Restring Luna's guitar  
Find an instrument

Lincoln knows the perfect one. He heads toward the garage. Amongst the boxes of random junk are the instruments that they played for the Family Fun Fair that one time. He grabs a bass from the pile and heads back to Luna's room.

"Alright, one last thing. Play a duet with me."

THE LOUDEST CONTRACT

Restring Luna's guitar  
Find an instrument  
Try to not suck playing during Luna's duet

The siblings play a cacophonous mess of notes that somehow sound cohesive enough to be an instrumental. Lincoln is actually a pretty good bass player, even though a bald thief could play better. It actually wasn't that bad!

CONTRACT COMPLETE!

"Well, that was fun."

"Agreed, we should do this again sometime."

* * *

The following night, Lincoln searches for his next contract. He decides to head back to the forest and clear out that area. He heads to the Meningeal Well, his version of the Subcon Well, and dives right in. He walks over to where the Hookshot badge is in the Hat in Time video game and there is the second contract of the forest. This contract has Lucy's picture on it.

THE MYSTERIOUS CONTRACT

Lincoln signs it and prepares for a very scary tomorrow.


	4. The Mysterious Contract

"Well, kid. It looks like this contract is all dependent on what your spooky sister writes. So, just go do whatever until she's done. Oh, and if you try to influence her in any way, that's another death to add to the counter. Enjoy…"

THE MYSTERIOUS CONTRACT

Wait for Lucy to finish writing her next poem

Honestly, it doesn't matter what Lincoln does next, as it has no bearing on the story. About 1 hour later, she finishes writing it and as such, Snatcher moves on to the second part of this contract.

"Ok kid. Entertain us."

Snatcher teleports Lincoln's consciousness into a dark arena. Suddenly, words start flowing in.

"In the shadow realm, no one can hear you scream, kid!"

THE MYSTERIOUS CONTRACT

Wait for Lucy to finish writing her next poem  
Survive

* * *

In this hovel of discord  
our attention untoward  
the white haired one we reject  
spiteful words to break his neck

Suddenly, the arena changes to show what looks to be a nightmarish fusion between the Loud House and Queen Vanessa's Manor (god help us all) and just as she had said, the place is falling apart, with rotted wood breaking off and planks falling from the foundation. Around 25 Snatcher minions shapeshift into his sisters materialize and taunt Lincoln, mostly about how he looks like an idiot. Jutting out from the darkness, gangly emaciated hands with talons as sharp as swords try to slice his throat to shreds! He just barely dodges out of the way of those.

As darkness overtakes light  
shadows blotting out this blight  
no way to win this fight  
tough luck Linc, goodnight!

An overwhelming amount of shadows surround him as well as both the Snatcher and Queen Vanessa! It looks like Lincoln will take his first L, as even the complementary baseball bat Snatcher gave him (Hat Kid has an umbrella, so Lincoln needs something to attack with so he doesn't die immediately) will not work on enemies like these.

"Looks like your sister hates you, kid. TIME TO DIE."

Snatcher prepares a massive array of fire columns to incinerate him from existence. It looks like the end!

…

And it is. Lincoln got burnt by the fire.

2 lives left.

"Huh? I'm not dead?!"

"Come on kid, you live in a comic book. You practically have infinite lives. All the more fun I can have torturing you! Back to suffering for our art, contractor!"

Fast forward to the onslaught of shadows…

Despite the odds, he still shines  
radiance bursting across all lines  
repairing our conflicts, so sublime  
if you're still there, hear our chimes  
pass judgement on everyone's crimes!

Lincoln is empowered with a radiant aura that blinds the shadows! Payback time!

"Wha…that's impossible!"

…

Lincoln brings the bat down on Snatcher's noodly form! Streaks of blue blood gashing out from the bat's streak of air! The blueness coats Snatcher, allowing him to be attacked! Lincoln moves on to the minions and dispatches them all. All that's left is to dispatch these two. After almost dying again, he breaks out of the nightmare and completes the contract!

CONTRACT COMPLETE!

* * *

"That was just an imperfect copy of my handsome self, kid. If that were a real fight. You would have died over 1000 times! Remember, who's still in control here!"

Lincoln is brought back to his own body.

"So, what did you think of my poem?"

"It was great."

"I knew you would like it."

The following night, Lincoln moves on to his fifth contract. Halfway there and needing a prayer he continues on! He saves up some neural ions to get the boarding pass to Gluttonous Gorge, which is what Lincoln thinks of Mafia Town. He heads over there and surprise, surprise, the contract he's seeking out is in the HQ. He heads up there, dispatches some of the mafia goons and makes it to where the Mafia Boss would be in the original game. No Mafia Boss here, but in his place is the contract. This might be the second hardest contract in this little game of his. This one is Lynn's contract.

THE IRONCLAD CONTRACT

Game on. Lincoln signs it and prepares for a brutal day ahead of him.

"So, kid. You chose one of the three double contracts? This will be very entertaining for us, indeed."

The Snatcher chuckles maliciously as he slinks back to Subcon Forest.

Death count: 1


	5. The Ironclad Contract

"You accepted a double contract, kid. The first part of the contract might be her stipulations, but the second part is my own design. You must really have a Death Wish trying to complete these. Whatever, it's more fun seeing you die to these "impossible" contracts!"

The next day starts and Lincoln prepares for the inevitable pain completing Lynn's contract will be. It doesn't help that Snatcher said these are also "Death Wish" contracts. Dealing with Lynn is a death wish in of itself!

"Hey, Linc. The sisters have been telling me how you've been helping us lately. Well, have I got a challenge for you!"

The contract updates the first section of itself.

THE IRONCLAD CONTRACT

Survive Lynn's Super Amazing Sports Tournament!

* * *

"It's an icosacathalon! If you can even beat 1 of the 20 sports in the rotation, we can move on to the next part of my challenge! Back to back and no breaks! Ready? No? Too bad!"

The Death Wish theme from a Hat in Time blares, yet only Lincoln notices the impending doom.

"Why do I hear boss music?"

"Because my icosacathalon is brutal?"

The author will spare you the details, since it is inevitable that Lynn will win most of them. They'll just tell you who won in which sport.

Tennis: Lynn  
Bowling: Lynn  
Baseball: Lynn (duh)  
Golf: Lincoln  
Boxing: Lynn  
Fencing: Lynn  
Archery: Lynn  
Ping Pong: Lincoln  
Basketball: Lynn  
Lacrosse: Lynn  
Hockey: Lynn (Lincoln died twice trying to survive this)  
Track and Field: Lynn  
Pole Vaulting: Lynn  
20KM dash: Lynn (Lincoln died five times trying to survive this)  
Chess: Lincoln  
Bocce ball: Lynn  
Cricket: Lynn  
Dodgeball: Lynn  
Soccer shootout: Lynn  
Citywide cycling: Lynn (Lincoln died 10 times trying to survive this)

3 wins, 17 losses and 17 deaths later, Lincoln managed to survive the brutal 20-round competition!

"Wow, not bad Stinkoln. You actually managed to beat me at something. You know, if you failed all 20, we'd have to do this all over again until you win just one sport! Say, if we didn't live in a comic book, we'd probably be already dead by now! Thank goodness for cartoon physics!"

If Lincoln said anything about how he died 17 times during the tournament, Snatcher would make it 19. And this is just the first half of the contract!

"Anyways, I've been thinking. It's not really fair me destroying you at sports since you suck at most of them. So, I'll let you get one up on me. I'll play a video that you could destroy me at. But that doesn't mean I'm going easy on you, bro! Now, we wear these VR goggles that some Snatcher cosplayer gave me and we can start the challenge.

The first part of the contract falls apart, revealing part two!

* * *

THE IRONCLAD CONTRACT

_***I couldn't possibly get even more handsomer than this!**_

Main objective: Defeat VR Snatcher  
Bonus: Defeat him before your sister does  
Bonus: Do it within 5 minutes

The siblings put on the VR goggles and see the handsomest lawyer ever coded. But now it's time to for him to show them what he can really do! The siblings run up to him, but VR Snatcher counters by wielding a bunch of sandbags with a bunch of fishhooks sticking out from them. He uses it like a cat o' 9 tails to whip the brats away. Lincoln dodges and cracks VR Snatcher on his noodle! It has no effect however, as Snatcher is never blue! Even when torturing poor fools like him! Lynn knocks the whip from his hands only for Snatcher to materialize one of Mafia Boss' boomerang cleavers and slash her!

Lynn HP: 3  
Lincoln HP: 4

He throws the cleavers and one of them clocks Lincoln in the face before returning to him!

Lynn HP: 3  
Lincoln HP: 3

Snatcher sharpens the cleavers and starts charging up electricity!

"Super charge!"

"Ultra charge!"

"Mega charge!"

"Omega charge!"

He blasts the kids with several yellow, red and blue straight and arcing sparks! The cleavers he threw now emit their own electric sparks. The siblings manage to dodge the spark storm! Snatcher then tries flinging explosive blue potions at them. They know what to do!

Lynn grabs one of the potions and throws it at him!

"Did you just color me blue with my own attack?! That's it! Time to die."

Phase 2; Snatcher boards the Owl Express while VR Grooves and VR Conductor assail the party with spotlights, sawblades, toy cars and knifes. So many knifes. While DJ Grooves knocks lights and disco balls out of the sky. The Conductor throws several salvos of knifes, and these ones aren't rubber. Thankfully, they only have 5 HP each since they have to catch up to them.

"Darling, darlings; Give up now!"

"A'd lik' tae say tis knife tae catch up wi` ye, peck necks, bit a'd be lying!"

Lynn runs up and smashes the Conductor! 4 hits left!

"Ye'll pay fur that, lassie!"

The Conductor summons 20 knifes to skewer Lynn, who effortlessly dodges them!

"Ladies and…gentlemen!"

Lincoln jumps over the disco ball shockwave and whacks DJ Grooves. Lynn follows suit. 3 hits left!

Snatcher continues pelting the duo with blue potions. It's not like they can hit him from this far away, anyway! Lincoln and Lynn bat the potions back at the trio! Conductor has 2 hits and so does Grooves.

"Ye mist be hopped up oan doo seed tae think ye kin defeat me!"

"You'll never be the stars of our show, darlings!"

The siblings catch up to the train and knock out both birds. The Conductor screeching "peck necks" over and over until falling unconscious while DJ Grooves saying he hates them. After batting a potion back at Snatcher, he moves on to phase 3. He starts teleport spamming, leaving shockwaves everywhere. Not only that, he summons columns of energy and fire to strike the duo. As well as summoning 250 of his minions to walk around in a circle to hit them, and to taunt them. He even has his darkening attack. The shortest phase, but Lincoln got grazed by a column of energy and Snatcher got Lynn with his fake out attack!

Lynn HP: 2  
Lincoln HP: 2

Bonus Failed: Beat it within 5 minutes

Phase 4 and 5 are combined! Snatcher now throws purple Time Pieces, which functions as bombs as well as having a shield around him. The illness flowers from Alpine Skyline reappear and brainwash humans to attack the duo! Luckily for them, the flowers are super weak and the brainwashing effect fades once destroyed! Batting 15 Time Pieces to shatter the shield moves everyone onto phase 6.

Snatcher only has 1 HP left, but he has a cool (pun intended) purple rocket launcher that fires chunks of ice coated in shadow. The ice can shrapnel and deal damage to many targets!

"Like my new IPGs? This multi-hit projectile will have you feeling cold!"

He fires the launcher, and the ice chunk splinters off! The shrapnel hurts Lynn.

Lynn HP: 1  
Lincoln HP: 2

Lincoln runs up to him while he's reloading and smacks him, ending the fight!

And it only took 7:45!

THE IRONCLAD CONTRACT

Defeat VR Snatcher  
Defeat him before your sister does

CONTRACT COMPLETE!

* * *

"Want to retry for more bragging points, kid?"

"No!"

"If you change your mind, select this contract's part 2 again from your contracts under your "start menu"."

"Wow, that was so awesome! Alright, Linc. You're done. Leave me to practice my other sports."

That night, Lincoln has yet another contract to fulfill. He managed to knock out one of the big three contracts today! After that, he might need to deal with an easy contract. He gets the neural ions for the boarding pass to Stellar Skyscraper, his version of Dead Bird Studio. It looks like Biff Tannen's skyscraper, only with Biff's face replaced with DJ Grooves' and the Conductor's.

Upon getting halfway up the tower, he sees a neuron that looks like the Conductor, headlining as a knife thrower as his act.

"Kid, if you survive the Conductor's show, I'll give you another contract."

Naturally, he's forced to do so. Lincoln didn't even die once during the act! Although, the Conductor almost gave him a shave; Missing him by 0.04 nanometers. As promised, Snatcher gives him Leni's contract. What a rip off, he almost died again for this?!

THE CONFUDLED CONTRACT

"Well, at least this one will be easy, right?"

Death count: 18


	6. The Confudled Contract

Well, Lincoln woke up the next day and just as he had predicted, Leni contract is one of the easier ones. After completing what seems to be the second hardest of the contracts, he deserves a break. Even though we all are pretty sure what Leni wants Lincoln to do, he checks with her anyway.

"Hey, Leni!"

"Oh, hi Linky!"

"Do you have anything you want me to do for you today?"

"Oh, well you could totes accompany me to the mall."

THE CONFUDLED CONTRACT

Accompany Leni to the mall

Why not, compared to fighting a Snatcher clone, this seems super easy in comparison. There's nothing that could ruin this day!

"Oh, by the way kid, I've seen how your sister acts. This one's an escort mission! Try not to seppuku until it's over!"

An escort mission? No! This might not be a hard contract, but damn it will be so annoying! Especially since he has keep watching Leni so that she doesn't go astray! If she wanders so much as 5 meters away, back to the start with them!

"So, I have to tell you about…"

"Ooh, I think there's a sale…"

"Come on, Linc. This shouldn't take…"

Because no one likes escort missions, the author skipped half a day, when Lincoln and Leni finished their trip.

"Thanks for coming along with me. I know how boring it must have been…"

"No problem, Leni."

And he only died once from frustration and once from rage quitting!

CONTRACT COMPLETE!

The following night, Lincoln goes for his next contract. This one is in the tower, so he heads there and see Snatcher at a blackjack table.

"Oh, it's you. Well, I have another contract for you if you can win 21 rounds of blackjack against me. But since you already completed the other contract here, I guess I'm forced to hand it to you. Here, take it."

It's Lori's contract…and it's another double contract!

THE CRUEL CONTRACT

Oh, boy…

Death count: 20


	7. The Cruel Contract

With six contracts down, of course his seventh would be one of the hardest. He has to appease Lori somehow without dying in the process. Never mind the Snatcher, Lori would probably kill him before he does! Anyways, Lincoln prepares for his second double contract.

"What do you want, Linc? I'm busy."

"Hey do you need me to do anything?"

"How about dying? You're in my way."

"Now that I can oblige!"

Snatcher kills Lincoln for fun just this once. Total deaths are now up to 21. But Lincoln has infinite lives. So, this really doesn't affect him that much.

"Yeah, just stay out of the way. I have an important date with Bobby and I don't want you there to ruin it!"

Lincoln heeds Lori's word and does absolutely nothing. Much to the Snatcher's ire.

"Hey, kid! You still have a contractual obligation to fulfill! Stop sodding off and help her already!"

"No, she doesn't need my help."

"Maybe you didn't hear me. That contract still needs to be completed, whether she wants you to help her or not. Now stop wasting time and go already!

"No."

"Alright kid, you just lost your head privileges!"

Snatcher actually decapitated Lincoln by popping off his head! That's another death.

Time reverts back to normal. It seems the contract has updated itself.

* * *

THE CRUEL CONTRACT

Get date supplies  
Make sure Bobby and Lori's date goes well

"Oh, by the way. This is a stealth mission! You'd better not get caught! You might need some copyrighted sneaking music to motivate you."

Lincoln tries to embrace his inner Metal Gear sneaking skills by following Lori, but he failed miserably and got killed 5 times on just the first objective. Eventually, he manages to get the date supplies. He hitches a ride and follows her to the date spot.

"Execute phase 2."

Lincoln hides in a bush and has to make sure the date goes well.

"Oh, and if either Bobby or Lori see you, it's back to start for you!"

While Snatcher can't enter reality, he can influence it and he tries to force people to do increasingly cringy things to disrupt the date. Highlights include making some gangsta thugs try to sing a rap song and when that fails to rob them (Lincoln died twice to them) and sending someone blasting John Cena's theme song on a boombox. It was hilarious.

Eventually, he made it though the date, even if it was so saccharine that it made him almost vomit.

CONTRACT COMPLETE!

That night, Lincoln gathers enough neural ions to get the boarding pass for Adventurous Apex, Lincoln's version of Alpine Skyline, he approaches the twilight bell and there, in the center, is Luan's contract!

THE HILARIOUS CONTRACT

He signs it and sleeps for the night.

Death count: 26


	8. The Hilarious Contract

The eighth contract…Lincoln prepares to talk to Luan to fulfill what seems to be a hard contract.

"Kid, I've accessed your memories and you might be screwed! I've seen her pranks. Better hope she doesn't use you as a crash test dummy!"

Lincoln braces for the inevitable pie in the face.

"Hey Luan, do you need me to help you with anything?"

"Actually, yes! I'm really busy with performing at [some kid]'s birthday party and I really need some help!"

Contract updated.

THE HILARIOUS CONTRACT

Gather clowning supplies

Lincoln and Luan gather a whole bunch of supplies and head over to [some kid]'s house for Luan's next gig.

"In case you forgot, I'll make a fool of myself onstage, while you add the comedic finish to the punchlines. Don't miss your cues!"

"Otherwise there may be fatal consequences, kid. Now appease us, royal jester!"

Contract updated.

THE HILARIOUS CONTRACT

Gather clowning supplies  
Perform well at the party

* * *

"So, did you ever hear the one about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronze fish."

"Heard it from SpongeBob! This comedienne stinks."

"Hey, funny girl. What wears yellow and puts people to sleep?"

"Noxious gas?"

"No, your act."

Lincoln is unsure if Luan did that on purpose or not. Reusing SpongeBob jokes won't fly in current year. However, playing Sicko Mode at the Super Bowl was the cruelest joke of all time. We all still remember forever and for all time.

"Well, how about this one? A squirrel chewed up a power line. He said it was an electrifying experience!"

That got a lukewarm applause.

"Why was 6 afraid of 7?"

"Because 7 was a 6 offender." one of the adults finished

"Well, a man offered me a red pill and a blue pill, what did I get out of it? An overdose."

That made the adults laugh, but the kids didn't really get it.

"Here's one the Detroiters will love. Donald Trump."

The liberals in the crowd clap with thunderous applause, while the rest of the crowd laughs at it being an anti-joke.

Luan signals Lincoln to perform his cues.

"So, I was just minding my own business when…"

"Sorry, kid. Your face ended up in my pie."

"To which I say, do you want a piece of me."

"Well, my little brother might find the idea appealing, thanks a bunch. You sure creamed the competition at the Chortle Portal a few months back."

The audience claps. After a few more performances, the 2 head back home.

"You know, Luan, I thought you were going to have me test out some prank. But that was kind of fun."

"Come on, Linc! I wouldn't hurt you or any of our family."

"Is that an April Fools joke?"

"No, you're my brother! I'm here to protect you!"

The two share a hug as the contract ends.

CONTRACT COMPLETE!

* * *

"So, what did you think?"

"It was amazing!"

"The best of the episodes!"

"The bond they share was inspiring."

One of the moving burlap sacks talks to him.

"Hey, boss. Do you think you'll ever get back together with…?"

"NO."

How dare that minion bring up that vile piece of human garbage! It's her fault this place became a desolate wasteland. Not to mention that psycho locked him up. Luckily, he escaped her evil clutches. She will pay…

Back at the Loud House, Lincoln goes to the subconscious realm. He heads over to Gluttonous Gorge and finds a contract near the lighthouse where that weird looking mafia guy was in the original game. This contract has Lana's face on it.

THE REPAIRED CONTRACT

Just two contracts left…

Death count: 26


	9. The Repaired Contract

Lincoln knows the drill, he's done this ordeal eight times before…

"Hey Lans, need help with anything?"

"Well, Vanzilla broke down again, so I need to repair it."

"Can I help?"

"You? Didn't you burn yourself the last time you tried?"

…

Lana relents eventually.

"Ok, but you need to understand what you're doing. Go read a manual first."

THE REPAIRED CONTRACT

Study car repair manual

* * *

After about four hours, he gets through the entire manual

"Fine, I guess you can help me repair Vanzilla."

THE REPAIRED CONTRACT

Study car repair manual  
Fix Vanzilla

"Hey, kid. I've seen your sister repair that pile of junk before. I think that that's a lost cause!"

Lincoln ignores him and tries to help Lana with the van. Since the van is such a pile of junk, the most the two can do is jury-rig it. They had to patch up the radiator, carburetor and several engine pistons. They also had to replace some fuel lines and the timing belt. Lastly, they had to repair the chassis. All in all, it took about 3 hours to repair the car for another…3 days until it breaks down again.

CONTRACT COMPLETE!

"Well, thanks. I guess?"

* * *

Night falls, and Lincoln goes for the 10th and final Snatcher contract! It's in a desolate place. He heads to Frightful Forest and approaches an icy manor. He enters the trapdoor and enters the attic through a secret passage. He gets to and signs the final contract. This one is Lola's.

THE VENGEFUL CONTRACT

This is going to suck…

"Ah, so you're going for that one. Well, kid. It's time for me to subcontract! Good luck, because you're definitely going to need it…fool!"

Death count: 26


	10. The Vengeful Contract

The sound of ink on paper can be heard scratching.

Nothing of interest happens today, but at night…

THE VENGEFUL CONTRACT

Escape the nightmare

"Hey, kid. This contract is kind of special."

"What do you mean, isn't this just a copy of Security Breach?"

"Good guess, but actually no. It might seem like Security Breach, but it's even harder!"

"Please, I've already beaten this challenge in the game."

"Ah, but this one is special. You see, aside from the penguins and owls those peck neck directors recruit, their newest star is also a target you have to avoid. Get caught by her and it's an instant death and a reset back to the beginning!"

Lincoln gulps nervously.

"Still think you can shake your tail feathers on out of here?"

The challenge is even harder since Lincoln is nowhere near acrobatic enough to even perform dives like Hat Kid can!

"Let's mak' this movie happen! Owls! In position! Action!"

* * *

Oh no, that peck neck Conductor is nearby making his prequel remake of the reboot of the first western he's ever made. It appears that this means that DJ Grooves will win the 43th BMA, since not even birds like pre-sequel remakes of reboots. DJ Grooves' movies may be hot garbage, but at least they're original! Lincoln sneaks past production and moves on to the next section of the studio.

He has to disable the electronics to slip past some of DJ Grooves' lackeys, but since the switch is broken, he gets electrocuted each time he uses it! Thankfully, he only had to use it once. Lincoln still has 3 HP left, but he hears something that wasn't there originally.

"What happened to the lights? The avian public can't see my beauty!"

Lincoln swears that sounded like Lola, but there's no way Jonas Kaerlev knows who any of them are (not to mention the Snatcher killed him already) since he's in Denmark. Something is amiss. Well, at least the cutscene shows that Lola has a vision cone three times bigger than any bird (which is weird, since birds have better eyesight).

The homing rockets start to track Lincoln and he can't exactly dodge…

But he's near the end, so he manages to persevere and complete part one of the contract! With 1 HP left, too!

"Amazing job! We got some quality footage, but now for part two."

Snatcher teleports Lincoln to his arena, a broken tiara is shown on the floor.

Uh oh…

"LINCOLN!"

Suddenly, Death Wish music starts playing!

He immediately gets whacked with an umbrella. Adding another death.

"Hey, number 27! That's a new record!"

Restarting the battle again, the contract updates itself.

* * *

THE VENGEFUL CONTRACT

_***Is it getting hotter in here, or is it just me?**_

Main objective: Defeat your sister

The bonuses are scratched out.

"Kid, you sister has the powers of some alien that defeated me ages ago. If she can beat me, you'll never be able to win!"

Snatcher was right! Not only does Lola have an umbrella; She also has all of Hat Kid's hats! Lincoln got 2 more deaths from getting killed by the ice and brewing hats, but eventually, he managed to deal 10 hits to her!

Mist covers the arena and Lincoln can barely make out Lola's silhouette.

"Damn you, Lincoln…"

"I feel… so weak…"

Please…have mercy…"

"Please…"

Lincoln investigates closer

"Chill out!"

A shadowy talon extends from the mist and turns Lincoln into an ice sculpture!

The contract reveals the bonus objectives.

* * *

THE VENGEFUL CONTRACT

_***Is it getting hotter in here, or is it just me?**_

Main objective: Defeat your sister  
Bonus: Defeat my crazy ex-girlfriend (is this even possible?!)  
Bonus: Do it with only 1 HP

"Was that…?!"

"Yes, kid. I made a contract with her to amplify your fun! You should be grateful! Now, we're going to be watching the fight 250 meters away from here. Let's see if we can get to 200 deaths!"

"What was the contract?"

"Trust me, you do not want to know. Back to dying now!"

Well fuck, Lincoln not only has to deal with an enraged Lola. He now has to deal with the scourge of Subcon Forest herself, Queen Vanessa! She was unkillable in the original game, so is it even possible to defeat her now?!

Vanessa's attacks consist of summoning a hailstorm of icicles to impale him, summoning a blizzard to obscure vision, transforming into her shadow demon form to slice him, turning him into an ice sculpture just like in the original game, rushing him and to freeze him from the inside out!

Lincoln would just like to defeat Lola, bring her back to her senses and finish this sadistic syndication that the Snatcher setup! Vanessa takes 20 hits to defeat, but she has at least 3 different one hit kill moves!

After clocking 8 more hits on Lola, she uses the time stop hat to use a dead Jojo meme, as well as combo Lincoln! He dies from this attempt as well. As well as about 56 more times due to sucking, or getting killed by one of Vanessa's one hit kill moves. Eventually he manages to knock Lola out and finish the contract!

CONTRACT COMPLETE!

And with that, every contract is complete! Lincoln and Lola escape the nightmare, leaving Snatcher to contemplate his next move…

Death count: 87


	11. Contract Killer

On the final night, Lincoln is summoned to the Snatcher's arena in Subcon Forest. He sees the 10 contracts he finished.

A Welcome Surprise: COMPLETE  
Beginning the Experiment: COMPLETE  
Cold Reception: COMPLETE  
Spanner in The Works: COMPLETE  
Danger in The Dark: COMPLETE  
Game On!: COMPLETE  
A Laughing Matter: COMPLETE  
Face the Music: COMPLETE  
Blind Leading the Blind: COMPLETE  
Save The Date: COMPLETE

"Hey, congratulations, kid! You managed to die eighty-five times! That seems a little low to me, but you've completed them all! My minions somehow like mundane slice of life stories, but I prefer action."

"Well, I don't need you anymore."

"So, I can have my soul back?"

"Actually, I was just going to kill you. See you later, fool!"

* * *

Lincoln has to face the real Snatcher now, and he's serious this time! Your Contract Has Expired blares in the background.

Snatcher fires of four energy columns and uses his minions as a sweeping attack, both of which Lincoln dodges.

"You're probably waiting for me to turn blue, aren't you? Sorry, kid, blue doesn't suit me. And I guess that makes me invincible, huh? That's too bad! Ha ha ha!"

"Let's try some of these!"

Five potions of various colors surround the Snatcher! He throws them at Lincoln, who dodges the easily telegraphed attack.

"Not enough? Let's try 1000!"

Snatcher throws clusters of multicolored potions that are just as easily telegraphed as the previous attack!

"Too many, eh? Let's try just one!"

The easiest potion attack to dodge. Lincoln just sidesteps out of the way.

"Wait, hold on. That one should have totally hit you! Come on, give it a chance!"

Lincoln dodges the simple attack yet again.

"You're kinda rude, aren't you?"

He combines his first two attacks, which Lincoln got hit by once. Snatcher then uses some of his minions to mock Lincoln by having them transform into shadow copies of his sisters and hurl insults at him as they inch closer.

After using his 1000 potion, 4 HP jutsu again, one of the potions is intact. Lincoln runs over to it and lobs it toward the Snatcher. It was a green potion.

"Did you just color me green with my own attack?! Hey thanks, kid! I now have poison powers! I can kill you even faster than before!"

"Potions are supposed to hurt you!"

"Yeah, none of them are blue. See, that annoying alien managed to exploit that weakness. But how can you turn me blue, if I never throw any blue potions? Guess I really _**am **_invincible this time! Ha ha ha!"

It seems that Lincoln needs to wait until he throws a blue potion. But after 10 cycles, He notes that Snatcher only throws turquoise, purple, yellow, red, black, pink, green and lilac colored potions! There's no cyan or dark blue that Lincoln can exploit! Snatcher really is invincible this time! He can toy with Lincoln however he wants to now…

"You can't dodge forever! It's over, fool! Say goodbye to that little head of yours!"

* * *

A cyan potion comes straight out of nowhere and coats Snatcher in a light shade of blue. Both combatants are confused, as Snatcher didn't make any blue potions. They look in the direction of the lobbed potion and see a blonde-haired girl in a princess outfit. Lola, is that you? Wait, Lola has never worn green before. And come to think of it, isn't everything in Subcon Forest practically dead already?

"Minions, kill her immediately! I don't want her kill stealing and taking the satisfaction away from me!"

The girl immediately neutralizes the group with her ice powers. Does she think she's Elsa or something? Wait, didn't Lincoln encounter her before?

"White haired kid, it seems we both have a common enemy. Team up with me and we can drive the Snatcher out of here! Your contract will be broken, all of their contracts will be, too!"

"Kid, here's one last contract you can fulfill for me. That's Queen Vanessa. The one who made Subcon Forest look like the desolate wasteland that it is now. It's time to enact justice on this tyrant and make her pay for her crimes! Team up with me and we can liberate Subcon. I'll even sweeten the deal for you and give you your soul back if we can kill her. What do you say?"

Uh, well. Lincoln is in quite a predicament. Both of these characters are horrible people and he knows he is unskilled enough to kill both of these despots. No matter who wins, Subcon Forest loses. Who should he choose?

* * *

Snatcher route

"Uh, you've got a deal!"

Lincoln signs the contract.

"Minions, new order. Kill Queen Vanessa!"

Lincoln joins in the battle, too. Vanessa still has 20 HP…and all of her instant death attacks. Clearly the harder mode in this situation. After an intense battle of dodging ice and shadow, Lincoln actually manages to defeat the tyrant! After losing 15 lives in the process.

"Kid, our business is concluded. Here's your soul back. Now stay out of my forest."

Snatcher gives Lincoln his soul back, and the way back to his own world appears.

"Kid, I may be a horrible person. But do you really think that noodle is any better? You just fulfilled an execution order! Not that I would have done the same to him. People might find it hard to believe, but I did love something once. But he's been dead for a long time now. At least now I can reunite with him…"

Lincoln leaves the area and heads back to his own world.

* * *

Vanessa route

Well, they do say the enemy of my enemy is my friend. And besides, when has Queen Vanessa ever given a damn about anyone but herself? This is a rare moment. Although, Lincoln knows that she is a yandere, so he should watch himself.

"That's it, time to die."

The music transitions into an orchestral mashup of Your Contract has Expired and Death Wish.

Snatcher was not fucking kidding when he said "time to die." He now has every attack! From his normal battle in Act 3-6 to all of his copied attacks in the Seal the Deal death wish, this would be a formidable battle! Not only that, after each potion hit, he dunks himself in the circle of goop in his arena to get rid of it! Also, he takes 15 hits instead of 5 now. After a lengthy battle and 64 more deaths (including Vanessa's since she's the only one that can hurt Snatcher, essentially being a soft-lock) they managed to defeat him.

"I feel…so weak…"

"Please…have mercy…"

"Please…HAVE A SEAT!"

"That's it, you annoying pest! Say goodbye to your head, fool!"

Snatcher is about to kill Lincoln when an icicle impales him where his heart should be (I mean, he did say he's not heartless).

"You've got to be kidding me!"

"Kid, you alright?"

"For a person that almost died, sure."

* * *

The Snatcher explodes and from the shadowy form comes a strange fellow. Vanessa seems to know this person, but…could it actually be…? No, he's been dead for so long!

"My prince? Is it really you?"

The person scoffs at this.

"I'm not your prince anymore. You lost that privilege when you locked me in the dungeon and left me to die!"

"Ok, so I overreacted…"

"OVERREACTED?! That's an understatement! You thought every girl I interacted with was a mistress! Which was untrue, by the way. I really was getting you flowers."

Vanessa looks like she's about to cry, but the prince isn't having any of it. This monster deserves no mercy.

"I used to think you were awesome. I now see that was a mistake. Your jealousy makes me hate you even more! If I had any female friends, would you kill them?"

"Well…"

"Shut up! I already know the answer is yes! You can't stand the idea of anyone else being acquainted with me!"

"You've even banned the things I love, just so you could have me all to yourself! What kind of nutcase thinks bacon can steal love away?!"

"I never thought I would see you again; I thought you died."

"I might as well have been! I would never want to see you again, either way. Why would I want to see a monster that destroyed an entire kingdom because of her obsessive jealousy? You are dead to me, both literally and figuratively. At least you were able to finish the job this time. I can say with great joy in my heart that I will never see you again! I hope you die, you disgusting child killer! And as for you, white haired kid, I hope you're happy with yourself dooming this place forever."

The prince takes his last breaths. With his death, all of the Snatcher's contracts were simultaneously broken! Subcon is liberated, right? Well, there is still a tyrant to deal with, but that will come at a later date. Even though it was cruel, it was absolutely cathartic to see the prince use his final breaths to give the greatest "fuck you" to his crazy former lover!

Lincoln decides to leave through the portal to his own world that appeared upon the Snatcher's defeat. He arrives back at the Loud House as this story comes to a close.

Death count: 102 (Snatcher route), 151 (Vanessa route)


End file.
